Salt Lake City, UT
Summer's wearing black. She looks hot and would fit onto any dance floor, including Area 51's, but also looks like she might be breaking into my place while I'm out lazily strolling the city. Her blond hair is bundled into a ponytail.
“Ann Romney is such a total fucking bitch” she blurts. I turn and look at her and suddenly notice details, abrasions and bruising and a small bald batch where some hair has been yanked out.
“Wow Summer, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess your assignment guarding Ann's dressage horse didn't go to well.”
“I've been reassigned back to the Salt Lake Field Office.” She starts to tear up.
Summer means the FBI's Salt Lake City field office where she was previously assigned to head it's Secure Compartmented Information Facility.
“I thought it would go so well...I took files from the SCIF about pervs, serial killers, terrorists, the real cool investigations, stuff hardly anyone gets to see to entertain her... I even brought cuisine popcorn and my favorite designer pajamas!”
“Oh Summer, I am so sorry.” I hug her stiffly. “What happened Sweetie? I ask her.
Suddenly, and without warning she draws her gun and points it level at my head. “Don't ever call me sweetie again and don't touch me Gerald. And step the fuck off my lawn!” Her voice is cold and pointed.
I cringe and nod but point out meekly that we are at a public park. Summer wordlessly re-holsters her gun and smiles...
“Good, I'm glad we worked all that out, now where were we?” She finally says.
“Ummmmm you were crying.....?”
Shut the fuck up Gerald!---Oh yeah that bitch Ann!!!!” She stares back at me like a rabid beady eyed raccoon.
“Yeah, what happened with that, you look like you've been in a fight with a rabid cocker spaniel or someting.”
She gives me this look - you don't want to know. She suggests we walk and leads towards Memory Grove. Her story unfolds as we move up the sedate walkway along the dribbling creek.
“I arrived at the Romney estate just after the Republican Convention ended. My hair was a mess. I told Ann I was thrilled to see her again and looked forward to just us girls hanging out watching a sentimental movie and eating popcorn. I even brought Atlas Shrugged 2012 on a usb thumb drive just for the occasion. I also had it downloaded on my smart phone. That was such a cool phone too...had a great high density video camera in it and everything! I was at a private, very exclusive Romney fundraiser in Boca Raton last May and it got misplaced or the help must have taken it, or something. I got totally fucking wasted so I have no idea what happened to it.”
“Go, on Summer” I say as she pauses and begins to choke up. I happened to be carrying one of those complimentary small packages of tissue an I hand her a couple. She uses them to dry her eyes and then blows her nose on my sleeve. Then she launches into her story:
“Well, Ann immediately starts out with 'You people, you always want something you haven't earned, like my company.' and then follows that up with 'I need you to brush down Rafalca.' Can you believe it, Gerald? She asked me to brush her fucking horse down. And that was just the fucking beginning of it!
“What a bitch” I intone, almost obediently.
And then...”So did you?”
“Did I what, Gerald!” She is indignant and I know better then to answer.
“Nothing, Summer...I was just wondering....”
“Yes I brushed that bitch's horse and did a lot more hoping she'd be friends with me. But it was 'Rafalca this' and 'you people that' and 'I don't mingle with you people' the other, which, by that, I found out soon enough she meant 'the help'.
“So did you watch Atlas Shrugged with her?” I ask.
“No, she said she'd seen it like a billion times and then quoted the whole movie to me. It was awful.”
“Yeah?” She is somehow distracted and far.
“Did she say anything about Moroni?”
“No, just that once her husband became President, he'd get his own world for sure and she would reign by his side on their very own planet forever.”
“Did Ann try to convert you?”
“Oh my God only all the time...but I was abrupt with her and I told her in no uncertain terms Pastor Johnny was my pastor, thank you very much!”
“Didn't he relapse back into drinking and assaulting people again during seizures?
“Everyone has issues they have to deal with...everyone backslides Gerald! You, of all people should certainly be aware of that!”
I respond quickly, “Oh yeah I know Summer, I know. I'm a total schmuck.”
Finally Summer begins to zero in on why she was assigned back to the Salt Lake office.
“So anyway it just came down to...I mean she kept saying 'you people this' and 'you people that' and 'you know all you need to know' when I'd ask her stuff like 'where's the fridge or where's the bathroom'?' She even charged me for the Bling H2O she kept stocked by the box...can you believe the nerve of her charging me for water?”
“What a bitch!” I agree again.
Anyway, I'd been on my feet for 12 hours straight watching that goddamn horse when Ann and a couple of her rich Mormon girlfriends came walking past the pasture. My feet were killing me. You have no idea how painful it is to stand in a pair of Ferragamos and a cute little designer dress for 12 hours in a horse pasture Gerald!!!”
“You got that right,. Summer!” I intone incredulously back. I'm suddenly filled with a new sense of awe and admiration for the remarkable woman walking beside me.
“So, I asked her if I might take a break or if she would bring me a bottle of her Bling and you should have heard her go off on me Gerald! She was like 'Excuse me, Miss DiVino? Did I miss something? I thought you were working for me, not the other way around.' I tried to answer her but she interrupted and said 'Stop! Just stop it Miss DiVino! Look around at this spread. This is hard Miss DiVino. You want to try it? Throw your hat into the ring and get your own mansion and spread! You people are all the same, wanting us to carry your water for you Miss DiVino! Try getting a real job!'”
“And then, I swear to god that bitch just turned her back and started to walk away from me!” She pauses here lost in a deep rage or reverie...I can't really tell. Her face is inscrutable in the failing light.
I finally prompt her, gently, “What happened next Summer?”
“And that's when I pulled my Service Revolver and pointed it directly at Rafalca's head and screamed at Ann”. I told her, 'Say 'you people' again. Say 'you people' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say “you people” one more Goddamn time!' And I don't know what happened but my service revolver discharged Gerald – right over that damn horse's head...and me standing in my Ferragamo's in a pile of horseshit up to my ankles. Anyway, that bitch, Ann, came running at me full speed. You should have seen her face. She was contorted with rage...somehow her lipstick had smeared all over her mouth and she let out a gutteral scream of contempt I'll never forget. It was awful. She tackled me and we both went rolling in the horse shit..with Ann screaming over and over again in a hypnotic rage 'I'll fucking kill you you low life 47% bitch! I'll fucking kill you!' It took five minutes for the Secret Service to get there and separate us. All I remember at this point was I had Ann Romney's bra clenched between my teeth and that bitch looked messed up and insane, almost like that crazy woman in 'Misery'.”
“I can believe it Summer....” I start to answer but she is gone.
For the briefest of moments my eyes had wandered up the contours of the mountains to a distant cell phone tower and when I looked back to where I expected to see Summer walking beside me , she was gone. Like Kwai Chang Caine, in Kung Fu she vanished into the night, into the world, almost as if, dear reader, she had never been there!