Republican Presidential Candidates List of 2012 New Years' Resolutions
2012 is officially here! Change is in the air, too. First off, the world is supposed to end this year... My doomsday bet is on a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion. But if life as we know it is still intact come November, we still have a collection of right-wing presidential candidates to spin the world right back into the grip of rapture.
I started my list of half-hearted New Years' Resolutions a few beers into the night and couldn't keep my mind from wandering... I wonder what the presidential candidates are resolving to accomplish this year. Sure, there's the obvious shared resolutions:
1. Win Republican nomination.
2. Take over the oval office.
3. Out Big Bird, Elmo, Bert and Ernie for promoting the gay socialist agenda.
4. Create positive spin for famine, plague and injustice.
5. Define marriage as, "an infliction plaguing one man and one woman (at a time), worsened with heavy drinking/ having children/ gay rights."
In the meantime, they probably have some ambitions of their own and I set out to discover what those 2012 Resolutions might be... After several phone calls, I determined none of the candidates were taking my drunken midnight calls. I'm not sure what happened next, but when I came to I was not only laying on a half-empty vegetable tray on my friends kitchen table with a penis drawn in blue cheese on my forehead, I also had a list of the Republican candidates' New Years' resolutions. I'm not sure whether I ended up reaching them by phone or I was visited by a magical New Years Eve angel, or maybe aliens teleported them into my hand in a last request from future me... Either way; here is the list.
The Crazy Lady:
1. Place want ad for fact checker.
2. Vow of silence through primary elections.
3. Get video of Mitt Romney practicing plural marriage.
The Massachusetts Mormon:
1. Avoid holding meet and greets at garlic factories and blood banks.
2. Remember fake tan lotion.
3. Convince public I sparkle in direct sunlight because I intend to create jobs in glitter manufacturing.
4. Avoid direct sunlight.
5. Perfect the art of being all things to all people at all times.
1. Destroy Google.
2. Finish race ahead of at least the crazy lady.
3. Come out.
That other Rick:
1. Remember list of 3 things.
2. No more getting stoned before debates and public speaking engagements.
1. Find out who wrote Ron Paul Newsletter articles containing blatantly racist statements and beg them to take the rap.
2. Rebut the sneaky suspicion the public has that I'm an alien abductee with an extra-terrestrial Manchurian Candidate Complex.
3. Tell Michele Bachmann that, unlike me, she is just a wanna be Tea Party nut job.
4. Somehow trick crazypoliticos.com to mention me as a Presidential Candidate.
That other Mormon:
1. Step out of Romney's shadow.
2. Shred and burn liberal literature and history books in and around my home.
3. Find Any Rand quote I can say without laughing.
4. Remember to wear garlic necklace.
5. Get a tan and don't stand next to Romney.
6. Ask Romney if Temple Garments are why he doesn't burn when he's out of his coffin during the day.
7. Ask LDS religious scholars if Temple Garments repel vampires.
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