We at crazypoliticos.com definitely do not endorse the act of hacking residential candidates email or computers. If everyone did it, we’d lose our competitive edge; right now we only have Fox News to contend with, and word is still out on whether Fox will accept our offer to sell for $20 million… I digress.
Though we don’t endorse hacking, or digging into Romney, Beth Myers and friends’ files, we couldn’t hold back when we found out this newsworthy and incredibly juicy bit of Romney gossip… who got kicked off the running mate short list and why. Read on for details!
Texas congressman, Louie Gohmert would’ve certainly helped Mitt Romney’s appeal with the South, the far right and the insane. Louie’s southern drawl could bridge skepticism from southern whites, who balk at Romney’s northern roots, Mormonism and being “soft” on everything: Obama, immigration, marriage, gays, Mormonism, taxes, sexual repression and denying climate change. Louie’s appearance in the elections would breathe Tea Party life into Romney’s campaign; Romney would instantly gain credibility as a gun-toting, Obama-hating Constitutionalist… without ever having to brandish a rifle. A Gohmert VP would rally the crazies to the ballot box, too; since Michelle Bachmann’s drop from the Primaries, they’ve had little to get behind… they’ve essentially been forced back to stalking librarians, preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse and writing for wnd.com.
Ultimately, Romney began to worry when Gohmert proposed putting Climate Change on the ballot box; by show of hands, Americans could vote away the ridiculous notion of Global Warming! What ultimately got Gohmert off the ticket, though is his unrelenting position that Mormons are space aliens, and Utah should undergo Federal containment. Upon learning Romney is Mormon, Gohmert attempted an exorcism just before the Secret Service knocked Gohmert unconscious and dropped him by parachute back into Texas.
Candidate 2: Kelly Ayotte
Rupublicans have pissed off women voters lately. They started by snubbing Planned Parenthood, then pushed new anti-contraception rules and bludgeoned an equal pay bill. But when an unnamed Romney rally-goer set a giant Rosie the Rooter poster ablaze, Romney realized he was in trouble. So Mitt considered a play from predecessor John McCain’s campaign book, a woman VP. He interviewed a bunch of women and finally found a woman who refused to legislate like one… Kelly Ayotte! Kelly had the advantage of seeming girl-friendly (Ayotte is female) along with the benefit of campaigning with a candidate who typically votes anti-women. Romney could have the best of both worlds; a flurry of soccer mom support without the risk of equal rights, equal pay or contraceptive freedom!
Kelly Ayotte could’ve been the perfect running mate, except for two problems: Ann Romney was jealous and leading polls suggested in a Romney/Ayotte campaign, voters would be unclear who was the female candidate. Mitt had to consider his marriage and manliness first and Ayotte’s name fell by the wayside.
Also nixed from the women’s’ camp:
Condeleezza Rice (too Bush-era)
Ann Coulter (afraid she would bludgeon someone to death on the campaign trail)
Jan Brewer (would ruin his already strained relationship with Latinos)
Summer DiVino (too insane, even for the far-right)
Susana Martinez (laughed in his face when he brought it up then caught herself, “Wait, you were serious?”
Candidate 3: Oscar the Grouch
Sesame Street’s smelly green monster could rally support from Gingrich’s former base, which does not trust Romney’s flip-flopping. Oscar would bring a refreshing something Romney’s campaign has been desperately missing, a candid stand on an issue, any issue. Oscar the Grouch is known for speaking his mind; even if you’re not going to like it, you’ll hear it… You know exactly why and where he stands. Oscar is also not intimidated by mudslinging; it’s one of his favorite pastimes. Oscar as a candidate could potentially smooth over some soccer moms’ disgust for Neo-Conservative Gingrich-types due to his likability among youngsters.
Though Oscar denounces the practices, he has been linked with socialistic groups encouraging sharing, friendship and compassion. Oscar the Grouch would be willing to trash his former friends, though he did show some liberal warning signs: he both strongly supports public television and encourages salvaging trash. The final nail in Oscar’s VP bid was hygene. “The smell was overpowering. Probably the worst of the 2 homeless people I’ve met. I felt really, really dirty touching him, and I’ve shaken a lot of dirty hands.”
Candidate 4: Ronald Reagan
If you ask any Republican which U.S. resident best embodied the Republican spirit, Ronald Reagan is king. Conservative candidates compare themselves to Reagan in speeches, commercials, still trying to capitalize on the Reagan name. Unfortunately, the real Ronald Reagan died years ago. Luckily, the former president left a namesake. At first, Mitt thought conservatives would be willing to overlook that this new Ronald Reagan is a known liberal and outspoken critic... after all, who hasn’t rolled their eyes at the Bush family. Bringing in a Reagan could’ve seriously healed Romney’s relationship with real conservatives…
Unfortunately, Ron Reagan Jr. used to be a ballerina. Campaign experts informed Romney while his conservative base would rally behind even a Democrat Reagan, a ballet boy Reagan was way too gay….
Tune in tomorrow for crazypoliticos.com prediction on who remains on the VP short list.