Mitt, we readdly bad though, for so many other reasons. Your inbox is truly boring… more so than mine even, because even I get decent spam. Your email was all thank-you letters, tour schedules and Pizza Coupons (btw, is Herman Cain in the running for VP?) C’mon, every self-respecting American gets porn spam and implant offers. Over 1,000 emails, and not a breast or penis anywhere to exploit??? Not even DCsingles.com invites… Man were we ever sorry! It was worse than watching Glee, which we gave up and did.
Look, we realize you’re not running against Indiana Jones or Mr. Adventure, but Obama at least offers decent scandals… His not being a citizen, being a Muslim terrorist and Obama’s ex-girlfriend tell all book. C’mon, it’s all fairy tales, but even fake news makes the cover of National Enquirer. It keeps us interested, ‘cause you never know when something will actually be true… Just look at the John Edwards. Look, we want to make amends for the hacking… create some actual newsworthy email hack. Our point is, you’re in the big leagues now, and Mitt, you need a controversy, even if staged. This is why crazypoliticos.com feels like you should throw us a bone. We brainstormed a few ideas:
· Shed doubt on your national origin… It’s been done, but ask Donald Trump; the faked birth theory never gets old.
· Mention a serial killer to compare yourself to. Bachmann got huge attention for it, back when she still mattered. John Wayne made her look stupid, but human and exciting.
· Let it slip that your teenager is pregnant or gay. Your entire base will be hugely relieved to learn she’s Christian again, while a small group will keep you in the spotlight forever with conspiracy cover-up stories.
· Ask an ex-girlfriend to email you something suggestive, yet elusive. Crazypoliticos.com will publish it, and women will find you instantly more desirable. Look, you can’t do much worse with women anyway...Is it slutty to solicit for school-girl crush votes based on a fake implied affair?
Mitt, we feel really bad about hacking your email, but this is a wakeup call. It’s time for intervention; you need juicier emails. We were bored to tears by your secret stuff, how do you think that’s going to hold up in the elections? Give us a call, we’ll show you what the internet is really about!