Cooking With Sarah Palin! First, Bag A Moose Or Grizzly, But Stay Away From Dead Fish That Go With The Flow!
Sarah Palin Rumored To Try The Food Network!
-Jillian Barclay (originally published here)
Want to cook like Sarah Palin? Want to know her kitchen secrets? I might have the scoop for you! Before she decides to go courting a gig on Food Network (I hear it is in the works!), I will give you some of her more famous recipes. I have heard rumors that if Palin does not run for President in 2012, she will be needin' another job. So, I will teach you how to make these exotic meals in your own kitchen well before you see them on the new show which oddly enough, may be called "Kook in' Alaska! You Betchya!" I am unsure what they are trying to project with that title. Not even sure of what it means!
A source has informed me that there have been several episodes prepared and previewed, all to be shown in 15 minute segments. While that is half the time of a normal show, Sarah is a woman of very few words and doesn't want to wear out her fans with too much thinking. And word has it that Bristol Palin, the l'il darlin of Dancing With the Stars and Advocate For Abstinence, is scheduled to make a few appearances, and that ever lovin' middle daughter, Willow, has even offered to demonstrate How to Use A Facebook Page For Fun! Piper, the youngest daughter, will assist mom on the S'more's segment. Todd, the First Dude and Iron Dog winner, will be directing the show, while the couple's two sons, Trig and Trag--woops!--think it is Track, are scheduled to help mom behind the scenes.
Here is a preview of the first week's shows:
Some Different Utensils Required! Most of Sarah's intended audience already have the required kitchen utensils, but some of you will have to order them. Luckily, for you, along with the show, Sarah is coming out with her own autographed line of kitchen goodies. The remaining viewers, the ones who want to pretend they are Real Americans, will be able to order them either on-line or get them with no waiting at any number of local gun shows.
Here's the list of what yer gonna need:
1) Brewin' Some Tea With My Witchy Gal Pals!
This show is slated to be the premier and will feature Sarah's Main Peeps: Christine O'Donnell, Michele Bachmann, Nikki Haley, Sharon Angle and Jan Brewer. Apparently, they all know how to make tea, and they all drink plenty of it, but it is being reported that Christine will actually be brewing the Lipton on this show!
The reports I received said that during taping, after only a few sips of tea, the gal pals were speaking to each other in tongues. Todd said it sounded like their normal girl talk, really no big deal! Sarah did take the opportunity to explain why she is now appearing on Food Network. "I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is." And there it was!
2) Holy Moose Stew With All The Trimmin's!
The second show is all about moose stew! It is simple, really! You will need a big crock pot and a large frying pan. Sarah starts talking about the spot where they killed this particular moose. She could see Russia and some planes, speculating that Putin was one of the pilots. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." She does emphasize that the moose was an American moose, not Russian, of that she is sure. She also decided to take the opportunity to address any viewers that might be vegan. She very eloquently says, "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"
It is supposed to be a secret, but Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin is going to bring the trimmin's. Rumor has it that he will be bringing the very bread and butter that he has stolen from Wisconsin's union members and their families!
3) Roasted Pig With Lipstick Marinade!
Sarah may not understand that a roasted pig and a roasted pork loin are two different things, but at least she is asking the First Dude to remove the Israeli flags from the kitchen, just for this episode. Of course she is not Jewish, but she values Jews and Israel. They are important to her interpretation of the book of Revelations, so she has those flags as a reminder. She does not want to offend the Jews, lest they retaliate by doing something to mess up the end days.
She speaks of hearing that wild boar can be found in Africa, and then says, "We discussed what was going on in Africa. And, never, ever did I talk about, well, gee, is this (Africa) a country or is it a continent..." She assures everyone that this pig is American. She actually saw the tag on the package.
Also heard that she is not marinating the pork in lipstick, but instead, a port wine cherry sauce. It is the same color as lipstick, so her fans, even when faced with obvious inconsistencies, will still love Sarah and the show.
Sarah's friend, Senator Jim (You lie!) DeMint is making a surprise visit to the set. He is a huge pork fan and will reportedly attempt to sneak out with any leftover pork!
4) Some More S'mores Made By Some Real Americans!
Fox News reported that during Sarah's recent trip to India, one of the gifts she brought were some homemade s'mores, which she had planned to give to India's Prime Minister, Buddha. She finally laid them at the feet of one of his many statues. For some reason, she never got to actually meet Buddha. She told Fox that he was too busy dealing with national security, and although she spoke to him briefly on the phone, the conversation was private and involved national security, she stated.
Little Piper is going to help mom with the s'mores.
5) Mama Grizzly Burgers Made By Real Grizzly Mamas!
Sarah Palin's family and friends gather for burgers! What could be more real American than that? Ann Coulter shows up with the buns, Michelle Malkin brings the pickles, tomatoes and lettuce and Glenn Beck contributes some freeze-dried mayo, ketchup and mustard! What fun! After a brief discussion about birth certificates (they all show theirs for the camera!), Sarah spins the tale of how she landed this mama grizzly herself. She proudly shows them the bear skin rug that looks so beautiful in front of the fireplace! They all marvel at the shrine of Charlton Heston, and Glenn gives them all his best imitation of Heston in his most memorable role: "From my cold, dead hands!" The girls all giggle and then head to the kitchen where they make the grizzly burgers, while Glenn watches them with a beer in his hand.
6) Goin' With The Flow Dead Fish Bake! Just Kiddin' With Ya!
Sarah takes center stage and tells her viewers that the halibut she is cooking today, was beaten to death on the deck of her boat. She assures everyone that this fish was alive when she caught it, and that is important, because in her words, "Only dead fish go with the flow." She proudly reveals that, once again, she was the mallet-wielding sportswoman. The First Dude did clean the halibut once she clubbed it to death, and she will be the one cooking it for the family. The First Dude cut this one into several halibut steaks.
You Are Thinking This Can't Happen?I know, this is all speculation, but what is the half governor going to do if she does not run for President in 2012? Think she will calmly fade away? I doubt it! For the last two years, her fans have waited for her to step up in the next election.If she doesn't step up, then a cooking show may not be so far fetched. She knew nothing about history, geography, foreign policy, and yet she ran for Vice president of the United States. To this day, she thinks that she was not the reason they lost the election.
So, it could happen! It might prove to be full of fun! Especially for all those Real Americans! Imagine hearing that voice every day. She is going to need some sort of big money making opportunity. Her ego alone isn't going to allow her to disappear into obscurity without a fight!
There is a simple problem with liberals. We are too laid back. Unless you tell us in a stern voice to get our asses up off the couch and report immediately to our draft boards for deployment to an exotic country with valuable national resources, we're prone to doing nothing. Don't get me wrong, we have our accomplishments. I myself watched all 9 seasons of Little House on the Prairie as well as the first X-Files movie last month on Netflix. Why? I was feeling nostalgic.
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