In contrast to support from groups lamenting the problem of undocumented immigration, some (nameless, ahem) columnists have a new and possibly better proposal: deport teenagers.
Throughout Utah alone, the teen population comprises 17-18% of the total population, most of whom are chronically unemployed and have never paid any income tax whatsoever. Almost always, these teenagers feed off parents, relatives and society; not even pausing to consider their drain. Society at large covers the exuberant costs to educate these people, even despite the 12% dropout rate.
Keep the immigrants, deport teenagers. Teenagers run rampant throughout Salt Lake City; selling and buying drugs, drinking (and driving) irresponsibly, driving erratically, having illegal sex (SEX, for God's sake!), loitering, trespassing, vandalizing property with their mere presence, stealing people's identities to sneak into clubs and bars, noise pollution and hovering outside convenience stores petitioning patrons to buy them 3.2% beer and cigarettes. Simply put, they are offensive/obnoxious criminals, or future criminals. Teens are further responsible for most (if not all) of the terrible music plaguing Utah radio today (except perhaps country music, which is some other group’s fault). They gather in mob-like masses near concert venues, malls, and school zones, creating traffic slowdowns, noise pollution and gum wrapper litter. If every discarded fashion fad, Stridex pad or Slurpee cup littered by a teenager were piled together, you could fill several of Sugarhouse’s vacant hair-brained ground holes. *(unverified claim)
This plague of teens costs taxpayers money as well, to the tune of a pretty penny. If every teenager were deported immediately from Utah, the state could save 100% on high school education costs (face it, they're not actually learning anything). Additionally, this proposal strikes at the foundation of socialism- teachers. After accepting meager salaries from government handouts and tax payer dollars, teachers then funnel portions of their earnings into fueling the socialist machine: with notebook paper, pencils and even books. These freedom haters knowingly aid and abet teens, while hiding under the Marxist umbrella of public education.
By deporting teens, we can revive these misguided teachers from the depths of a socialist regime, allowing them to focus on their second and third jobs. Utah could finally end its debate on the sex-ed curriculum, slashing the cost of both sex-ed and teen pregnancy. Auto insurance premiums would drastically drop as soon as teens hit the road, saving us collective millions on car insurance. The bottom line: teenagers cost us money; much more than they contribute in taxes.
Getting rid of these menaces offers small hope to the unemployed as well. After deporting the teen population, a world of new underpaid employment opportunities will become available to desperate Utahns. Imagine reducing our unemployment rate to nearly 0, as struggling families continue to struggle (but while working) as they assimilate into vacated fast food, comic book sales, and newspaper delivery positions.
Even now, obnoxious swarms of teenagers are loudly engaging in all manners of, no doubt unscrupulous behavior throughout the Wasatch Front. These menaces must be STOPPED at any cost; even if it means listing every teen’s name alongside their home address, social security number, Mafia Wars alias and Myspace profile. By taking a strong, "no tolerance" stand on teens, Utah can send an important message to future teens; "You're not welcome here!"
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