Wow I was minding my own business and (to be honest) kind-of getting bored with the NOTW scandal, when the best break in the story came today.
As Murdoch testified to try to wiggle out of the hot water for spying on stars, hacking emails and voicemails and also for just being evil, a protester emerged from the crowd and hit Murdoch in the face with a pie!
Pie face (ahem, I mean Murdoch) remained seated in perhaps a show of exaggerated discipline while his wife rushed to rough up the protester. She managed to knock him around a bit before security rushed to the scene. In a later (hypothetical) exclusive sit down with the Murdochs, they described in detail.
Rupert: We were discussing the tragic NOTW situation. It was my turn to speak, and as I began detailing exactly why I had no idea whatsoever that employees were ~he exaggerated a disgusted shudder~ spying on everyone and bribing police. Suddenly, I remembered the single pivotal detail that could prove my innocence.
Me: You're saying you can prove you weren't involved despite compelling evidence otherwise? Wow!!! What luck! What detail did you recall?
Rupert's wife (we'll call her Bruno, because she's such a tough badass!): That's just the thing... In that same lucky moment that bully rushed towards him and smashed him square in the face with a pie.
Me: Could you explain that?
Rupert: At first I was elated. I skipped breakfast, you see... My personal chef made my favorite, but I just couldn't stomach the vegemite and kangaroo dumplings. It's not the hearing; I'm innocent, of course. I'm just too outraged that my sonnn.... uh, I mean my staff behaved so terribly. Anyway, the guy hits me with a pie and all I can think is, 'O, I hope it's banana cream with minced dolphin.'
Me: You ate the pie? What you thought was an endangered species and banana pie?
Rupert: I'd like to know exactly where you kids get your facts! Bananas, I happen to know for a fact, are hardly endangered. Endangered species, bah! There is no such thing... it's a liberal myth designed to stifle business interests. Just last year, we broadcast an expose on that very scandal!
Me: Let's go back to your evidence of innocence for a moment.
Rupert: But it doesn't matter anyway. I took a heaping, hungry bite only to learn I was hit with shaving cream and not any manner of delicious banana, or other treat.
Me: The pie was made of shaving cream?
Rupert: Yes. I ate a few more bites to be certain... definitely shaving cream. Not dolphin. But we lunched soon-after, anyway.
Me: Mrs. Murdoch, you rushed to your husband's aid almost immediately. What was going through your mind?
Bruno: Call me 'Bruno;" We're friends here. Yes, I worried at first that my Rupee was hurt. Next, I realized Rupee is completely defenseless when he eats. And I was outraged he broke his diet! I jumped up and beat the devil out of that ruthless hooligan.
Me: You beat up your husband? Do you often...?
Bruno: The PROTESTER... I beat up the... ~sigh~ Never mind.
Me: Earlier, you mentioned you remembered something suddenly... a lucky detail to clear your name.
Rupert: Yes, but with all the clamor, it escaped my mind. I've made arrangements to undergo hypnosis, but it could take months. I've asked my lawyer to postpone the hearings.
Me: Your defense is that you forgot your defense?
Bruno and Rupert: Yes, exactly.
Bruno: Meanwhile, I think a little time could do us all good. It'll buy some time to remind these prosecutors all the sordid little nothings they've texted. Not to mention, the importance of free trade...
Me: If I understand right, you mean blackmail?
Rupert: Of course not! ~he winks and leans in to whisper~ You clearly have a LOT to learn about plausible deniability...