Texas is raging forward with oceanic momentum of the Tea Party tidal wave. No, bigger! Make that the Tea Party Tsunami. Taxes in Texas will slash like a tire sale (or was it fire sale?) After months, years, decades of liberal rhetoric and clamor, Texas can finally doff the chains of socialistic institutions leeching taxpayer wallets. The budget is in, and ‘belt tightening’ morphed from empty campaign promise into real possibility. So ‘what’d they cut,’ you ask, and you’d be right to ask cause sometimes Big Uncle Sam takes important stuff away. Stuff like military donut day, endangered species hunting, bootlegging or guns. GUNS, for crying out loud; the very same (or potentially more deadly) guns promised to all red blooded patriots in the Constitution!
‘So what momentous slash is going to rescue drowning taxpayers,’ you ask. ‘Government waste, useless programs, administrative costs, welfare maybe? Are they cutting off the deadbeats?’ You lean forward eagerly, rubbing your hands together.
In a manner of speaking, you were right to hope. Yes, Texas is finally de-funding deadbeat youngsters. Yup, schoolchildren beware; your days of milking the socialist cow are over! No more are Texas taxpayers going to be forced to foot the bill under the guise of ‘education.’ Kid, you want to learn something? Tell your daddy to buy you a teacher.
You can thank Texas again, because now your parents will have a pool of unemployed teachers ripe for the picking. The invisible hand can pluck the best and the brightest right out of the depths of unemployment and straight into your living room! Suppose your folks don’t want you hearing anything about nasty nature making men from monkeys. Well, worry no more; because your out-of-pocket education dollar can buy you an employee-teacher who can weave any brand of history you want lurned to you. Spelling? Why bother, we have spell check these days, or haven’t you noticed?
Perhaps you’re a more hands on learner. Great! As we de-regulate, schoolchildren can pool into on-the-job education, a more practical application. Face it; if you couldn’t afford to hire a teacher, your future lay in the assembly line anyway. Government de-regulation cuts us to the chase. Woot! Get off the public education welfare roster, commie and into the free market. Uncle Sam is here for you in all his red, white and blue glory.
The measure is expected to save bundles of taxpayer dollars, freeing education spending for more useful applications (code for: corporate incentives and administrative payroll.) Little Johnny may not be able to count past 10, but he’ll be able to wash the governors’ Benz, and that’s what counts here. Luckily for you academia types, Little Johnny can absorb his education like real Americans; in front of the T.V. Through children’s educational programs he can learn to read on Sesame Street or Reading Rainbow, discover science on Nova or practice Geography with Carmen Sandiego. Oh… um, except they’re rethinking PBS. Well, back to work kids, and swab that deck.
It’s not all gloom and doom… The real solution lies in bed with the free market, or haven’t you heard? Private schools will gear up for waves of new brain cells, recruiting Texas’ brightest youth. Education entitlement can finally rest in peace. Dumb kids (and poor kids), move over and fall by the wayside where you belong. Schools, no longer beholden to useless academic requirements, can fill students with tomorrow’s truly useful information with real-world courses like:
· Economics- How to crush the little guy while maintaining good publicity
· Debate- Persuading others, regardless of whether you’re right
· Spanish- A course in down-talking your future employees
· Foreign Affairs- Finding the country that can fuel your factory without pesky ‘human rights’ regulations
· Science- as written in Genesis and Revelations (replace fears of global warming with Rapture)
· Politics- How to purchase a politician and privatize the political process
Texas budget makers know what the rest of us have long suspected; academics are a crutch for people who can’t shoot an M-16, get elected to government or grill up a fast factory farmed burger. The bottom line is Texas’ students are smart enough. Just marvel a moment at the fruits of Texas education; George and Jeb Bush, Louie Gohmert, and Rick Perry. Put the three heads together and you have enough brain power to electrify a lightning storm. Texas students are among the best educated half of the country, ranking 24th in the nation for Best Education, but 51st (last) on pumping out high school grads. Maybe graduation is foiled by teen pregnancy (Texas tops the country). Why read when you can breed?
The heart of the issue is Republican campaign promises to lower taxes and cut spending. The education cuts will save $9.4 billion in costs, or around $379 and change annually per Texan. Overburdened taxpayers might breathe a collective sigh of tax relief, but don’t exhale just yet. Tax breaks aren’t exactly drifting softly through the winds of change; not for the average Joe, anyway.
The Tea Party roars can be heard around the state, glittering with waves of change on the horizon. It’s beautiful, breathtaking and powerful all at the same time. But as we’re discovering, although tidal waves are strong, loud and awesome, they unfortunately destroy everything too.