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CP Endorses the Two Mormons for the Republican Presidential Nomination; Predickts the White Asshole Will Win and Totally Ignores Ron Paul
12/26/11 10:30PM EST
The Republicans find themselves in a tough bind in their effort to find a suitable opponent for President Barrack Obama in the Presidential Election. Now that they have ditched the African American, Herman Cain, for sexual indiscretions and replaced him with a white, consensus All American Asshole who has a few sexual skeletons of his own rattling around in his checkered past, well, putting it bluntly, for all intents and purposes, its down to the two Mormons, the crazy lady, the white asshole guy and Ron Paul. (The two Ricks have no chance.) One of the two Mormons is Utah's former Governor who ditched Utah's poor and elderly to accept an Ambassorship with China, leaving us to the tender mercies of our current rabidly right wing Governor Gary R. Herbert. The other Mormon is a real slick talker who ran the 2002 Winter Olympics in our home town of Salt Lake City. You can see where we are going with this. The editorial staff at Crazypoliticos gives the nod to the hometown crowd and endorses the two Mormons to be the Republican nominees for President and Vice President. (We don't really care in which order or "who's on top") It should be noted that for shits and giggles we briefly thought of endorsing the crazy lady but quickly dismissed this idea when she failed to return our repeated phone calls and threatened us with a restraining order. However, our endorsement notwithstanding we are actually predicting the white asshole will win. The two Mormons have problems and the fact that one looks anemic and the other looks like a robust blood sucking vampire who'll say anything to get an “ invite" into the White House doesn't help things. Besides there's no freaking way Republican voters are going to fill the two top slots with Mormons. No, at the end of the day the Republicans will most likely select the "white asshole" as their Nominee to be the next Asshole-in-Chief of our military forces. The white asshole may be a philandering, hypocritical jerk but he has three big things going for him. He's not Mormon, he doesn't look like a crazy lady and he's not Ron Paul. (See below).
Crazypoliticos.com would have endorsed Ron Paul but in the end we made a very conservative decision to follow the example of mainstream media and the Murdoch publishing empire. Just follow the herd, so to speak. So we are ignoring the shit out of Ron Paul, yeah! Ron Paul will never get a mention from CP because we are ignoring Ron Paul and the fact that he is running for President and we in no way endorse Ron Paul's campaign. If you want to verify this with the Ron Paul's Presidential Campaign you will have to complete and submit the contact form at http://www.ronpaul.com/contact/, which is the official website for the Ron Paul campaign. They will be happy to tell you that they have absolutely no affiliation with us and that we've been warned to stay the fuck away from their campaign headquarters if we don't want to be arrested. So, once again, just for the record, Crazypolilticos.com is completely ignoring Ron Paul's bid for the Presidency in 2012 and has decided not to mention Ron Paul's Presidential Campaign in any of our blogs. We feel that merely mentioning Ron Paul's name or Ron Paul's bid to become the Republican nominee for President of the United States, does little for Ron Paul's anonymity and that if we damage Ron Paul's anonymity by calling undue attention to the fact the he, Ron Paul, is running for President of the United States and is vying for the Republican nomination we risk losing the respect of the mainstream media.
Now, if that sounds convoluted to you, let us assure you, yet again, that CP upholds the same high standards as the Murdoch publishing empire, including Fox News, and has studied their techniques in depth. That is why this blog is so awesome! We stand behind every word we pen as we contemplate how to robocall you to ask for the PIN numbers for your voice mail and ATM. Not that we want to embark on a discussion of CP's future fund raising and news gathering strategies but we think we're going to be very successful here in the United States.
A final word out to our runner up endorsement, "the crazy lady": just letting you know what "really" turned it against you in the end were our apocalyptic visions of you standing mortified and shocked at some Presidential Gala or other, with pig blood running down your hair and gorgeous ball gown just before the other attendees begin to die in ghastly ways from the psychokinetic powers you possess as you chant over and over again "I'm so sorry Mama" in some kind of weird Sissy Spacek trance. It was all just too much.
And, finally we wish all our readers Happy Holidays during this festive Season.