Now that the White Asshole has taken the SC Primary and one of the two Mormons (the anemic wimpy looking one) has dropped out, we at CP can't resist indulging in a bit of premature gloating by saying “we told you so”. In a previous article, CP endorsed the two Mormons, but predicted the White Asshole (Gingrich) would walk away with the Republican Presidential nomination. The Republicans are now basically split into two camps, the “sincere but frighteningly insane” and “insincere + frighteningly greedy (but sane).”
Mitt Romney really tries to be an asshole. However, Romney's method of convincing Republicans that he's an asshole is bragging about swimming through pools of money and his fond love of firing people. This tactic has the unfortunate side effect of alienating the broke and jobless assholes in the Tea Party, who resent Romney's wealth. Republican fervents and assholes both know that underneath it all Romney is a big two faced wimp and just a wanna be angry white guy. And, fortunately for Gingrich, Tea Party Assholes don't give a shit who Gingrich might have fornicated with or how open a marriage he wanted as long as it wasn't their wives or daughters he was screwing or being open with. They just appreciate that Gingrich is a big enough prick to command our armed forces and get America all the oil it needs to preserve its oligarchy.
And, oh my God, poor lamentable Ron Paul is running with earnestness and likability – which proves he's crazy. He probably even has a sick little Ayn Rand tribute room replete with pictures and candles and news clippings... it creeps the shit out of his family. Paul is like the nut job at the end of the block who claims he's going to save the world. The subtext of Ron Paul's campaign is “I read Atlas Shrugged and discovered the secret to everything.”
Santorum, on the other hand, is a superb asshole... as any gay person in America can attest. Gingrich's advantage over Santorum, however, is that Santorum fervently tries to sound sincere and earnest. While this enamors him with the “fervent” and “angry” Tea Party crowd, the 'insincere and greedy but sane' voters are scared shitless of him. They know from Santorum's rabid homophobia that he's completely in the closet gay. This frightens theml. Not only that, but Google "Santorum definition" and ask yourself does America want a man who's surname conjures the mixture of sperm and fecal matter to address the nation as President during dinner time? I think not! These same cold blooded greedy “sane” voters know Gingrich is a liar and a hypocrite and a first class asshole and so are not put off by him. Thus, Gingrich will walk away with the Tea Party asshole vote and the insincere greedy asshole vote. These are the two groups that will put Gingrich over the top and give him the Republican nomination.
These voters fully expect that after Gingrich secures the Republican nomination the subtext of his campaign becomes: “I'm an awesomely bigger asshole prick than Barrack Obama.” Obama supporters are terrified of this scenario. They know Gingrich will push Obama around like a bully picking on Math Club. Obama, with his genteel eastern education and academic accomplishments and polite demeanor, is a bigger pussy than Romney. His asshole quotient hovers down somewhere around Jon Huntsman's; we all saw what happened to him.
At the end of the elections, the single overwhelming reality will prove that Gingrich and Romney know something politicians like Obama or Huntsman just can't grasp: “Nice Guys Finish Last...”
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