Luckily, helper buddy and former candidate Donald Trump has some brand new juicy dirt on Obama. As it turns out, Obama’s (still) not a citizen… I know what you’re thinking; ‘that’s not brand new or juicy!’ Wait though, there’s more. It turns out the State of Hawaii has been issuing fake birth certificates in order to help potential future non-citizen presidential hopefuls fake their way into the White House. It’s a conspiracy 50 years in the making, but we’re on to you now, Hawaii. Us real states, that is.
Wildly enough, though, it turns out Romney’s not a citizen though either. Yup, that’s right! Although the Romney camp has long insisted Mitt was born in Michigan (a U.S. state) crazypoliticos.com investigators have uncovered the long-hidden Romney birther conspiracy. After days of tough investigation, we now have concrete proof, Mitt Romney was actually born in the state of Infancy (NOT A U.S. STATE,) and therefore not a citizen.
In light of this new information, it would seem that both parties are back to square one. With no viable candidate, crazypoliticos.com has (after long deliberation) decided to rise to the occasion. We know the predicament the country might face without viable candidates, and we feel the time has come to rush to our Lady Liberty’s aid. Therefore, we will be dividing our staff into 2 teams, each prepared to become the face of one of the parties. Summer has agreed to run VP for both sides, while Gerald and I will draw straws later this week to choose sides. We expect to announce our respective sides shortly after the ensuing fistfight which Summer will referee, record and sell to HBO for campaign purposes.
No need to thank us, America… Your vote is thanks enough.