I started my list of half-hearted New Years' Resolutions a few beers into the night and couldn't keep my mind from wandering... I wonder what the presidential candidates are resolving to accomplish this year. Sure, there's the obvious shared resolutions:
1. Win Republican nomination.
2. Take over the oval office.
3. Out Big Bird, Elmo, Bert and Ernie for promoting the gay socialist agenda.
4. Create positive spin for famine, plague and injustice.
5. Define marriage as, "an infliction plaguing one man and one woman (at a time), worsened with heavy drinking/ having children/ gay rights."
In the meantime, they probably have some ambitions of their own and I set out to discover what those 2012 Resolutions might be... After several phone calls, I determined none of the candidates were taking my drunken midnight calls. I'm not sure what happened next, but when I came to I was not only laying on a half-empty vegetable tray on my friends kitchen table with a penis drawn in blue cheese on my forehead, I also had a list of the Republican candidates' New Years' resolutions. I'm not sure whether I ended up reaching them by phone or I was visited by a magical New Years Eve angel, or maybe aliens teleported them into my hand in a last request from future me... Either way; here is the list.
Republican Presidential Candidates List of 2012 New Years' Resolutions
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